Identity Crisis

November 2007 - I think I'm having an identity crisis. Not on my end, of course. I know perfectly well who I am. No, it seems to be certain other people who do not know me at all even though they pretend they do and insist on proving it by sending me lots of mail.

For example, the bank. I'm not talking about my bank but about the bank that would like to be my bank. A few weeks back, this bank sent me a letter which invited me to take advantage of "a very special offer." The invitation was reinforced at the top of the page in big lettering: A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU! Then, in even bigger lettering – and in gold! – 2.75% APY. Wow! This bank wants to give me an interest rate of 2.75%. At the bottom of the page, it says the offer also includes a portable DVD player. Excellent! What do I have to do?

So, I read on. Turns out that what I have to do is get rich quick. Before I can get that fabulous 2.75% APY (and the portable DVD player), I first have to find $25,000. Yes, that "very special offer" requires a very large deposit. Well, if the bank had known me at all – which they should have since I used to be a customer several years ago – they would have known that I don’t have $25,000 to put in the bank. They would also know that I pretty much have no use for a portable DVD player since I can't very well watch a DVD while I'm driving. On the other hand, the offer is good until December 15, and I can always re-gift the DVD player. So, if anyone knows where and how I can get my hands on a good chunk of change...

Changing jobs is what certain other people want me to do. They send me emails and say they are interested in maybe hiring me as an accountant. I'm flattered by the attention, but me? Work as an accountant? Don't count on it. The thing is, whoever sends these emails has "reviewed my qualifications" and thinks I would be a good candidate. If they really had reviewed my qualifications, they would know that I am in no way qualified to be an accountant. But, I bet I could do a bang-up job of proofreading the emails before they get sent out.

And, speaking of email, how about this one? It came from with the heading "Sell.Your.Timeshare.Today." My timeshare? If NewCondo knew anything about me, he would know that I don't have a timeshare. He would also know that, if I did have one, I probably wouldn't want to sell it. Not to him, anyway. Instead, I'd be at my timeshare on vacation about now and would not be reading his stupid spam. If you know me, you know I don't have the time for that.